I was going to start this article asking you about stress, but it began to sound like a bad infomercial:
“Are you stressed? Do you lay awake at night wondering why your thoughts won’t turn off? Do you need a triple shot espresso in the morning just to contemplate working? Do you constantly dream of being that girl in the Calgon commercial who gets ‘taken away’ seemingly so easily in her 80’s luxury over-the-top bubble bath? Then this article is for YOU!”
Sigh.
When I was struggling with infertility, the only “taken away” I thought about was by the men in the white coats. I really thought I was going to go crazy.
It is impossible to explain what is so stressful about building one’s family when it’s not so easy. Actually, I can explain it in one word: Everything.
Literally everywhere you turn, there is a stressful trigger staring you in the face. You go to work, and somebody announces a pregnancy. You go to a family event, and people ask you when the baby’s coming. You go to the grocery store and cry while staring at a carton of eggs, because you’re reminded of how few were retrieved at your last IVF cycle.
Seriously. That last one happens. Don’t be afraid to admit your triggers, people!
I want you to think of your last trigger and how stressful it was. Can you remember how it felt in your body? Did you get a headache? Did you get nauseous? Did you have to – eh hem – run to the bathroom?
There’s this idea out there that stress doesn’t cause infertility – I have to agree to a point. However, if stress doesn’t impact our bodies, why do we get headaches, or nausea, or panic attacks, or have to run to the bathroom? Perhaps stress doesn’t cause infertility, but I contend that it at least makes fertility issues worse. Let’s have a look at this idea, shall we?
There is a plethora of research out there that talks about the mind-body connection. Most of the research, in fact, supports the notion that the two are not separate; they are both manifestations of each other. I’m a research nerd, and the reality is, I could bore you endlessly about this topic, but I’ll spare you (this time). Here are some of my favorite fellow nerds who talk about this, though, in case you want to give Dr. Google a break on the fertility stuff (oh, I know you so well):
For the purpose of this article, let’s keep it simple and talk about the Fight or Flight Response (sometimes called the Stress Response). You all know what this is, right? Basically, if a lion is chasing you, your instinct is to either run away from it or fight it.
Of course, if you’re like me, you’ll stare at it, paralyzed by shock until it eats you. Or the men in the white coats come. Either one.
The body, in all of its wisdom, sends signals from the brain to all of your body’s cells informing them that they must send all appropriate chemicals to your extremities and necessary organs (muscles, heart, and lungs need fuel for running or fighting).
So, what’s left? Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t know anybody who’s stopped to procreate while being chased by a lion. Then again, I don’t know anyone who’s been chased by a lion. So, there’s that. The point is, when you are under a great deal of stress, your digestion and reproductive organs stop working well, if at all.
Now, pay attention, because this is VERY important: Our bodies are meant to handle a great deal of stress. Yes! It’s why we have the stress response!
The problem comes when that stress is chronic. Like you and the lion are both on treadmills, and she’s never quite able to reach you, but you’re never quite able to find safety and calm down.
What does that remind you of? Hello, Infertility! Your body is not meant to handle the kind of stress that affects your entire world day in and day out over a period of months and years. It’s just not.
Now take a deep breath, because I’m about to give you five ways in which you can begin to ameliorate the damage you’ve been doing to your body by way of chronic stress. In effect, these tips will help you redirect your body into a calm state of being, so that proper nourishment and healing can be sent to the organs that need it most right now.
Deep breathing
- Speaking of deep breaths, take one right now. Seriously. The time it takes you to exhale should be twice as long as the time to inhale. Why deep breathing? It triggers the parasympathetic nervous system to calm you down. Think about going to bed at night; the last thing people typically do after their head hits the pillow is take a deep breath. This is the signal for the brain to release melatonin and for the body to engage in sleep. I recommend at least five deep breaths, which should take you a matter of minutes. It’s completely worth it.
Extreme Self-Care
- One of the troubles I see with people struggling with infertility is the incessant need to take care of other people. And I don’t just mean by way of helping them out with things. I mean, people are afraid to offend others by saying no to that baby shower, for example. The truth is, YOU are the most important thing to you right now. You are wounded, you are stressed, and you are struggling. I often ask people to consider treating themselves as they would treat their baby. If your baby were wounded, stressed, and struggling, what would you do? You certainly wouldn’t make him go to a baby shower, would you? You would find any way you could to soothe that baby. Same goes for you.
Radical Self-Compassion
- Often people feel weird about indulging themselves or setting limits and boundaries with others. They also feel over-the-top guilty when they do play a part in hurting another’s feelings or when they are angry, hurt, or resentful and say something they don’t necessarily mean. Here’s another animal visual for you: If a wounded animal goes into its cave to heal, it will strike if someone goes in after it. If you are wounded, you may strike. It is absolutely okay! Own your mistake, make your apologies and amends, and move on.
Get Thee to Nature
- That’s like a commandment. I don’t care if you live in New York City and have to borrow a friend’s teeny terrace and potted plant, get somewhere where there is green and sit there. Even if you claim you hate nature. There’s something extremely healing and transformative about the presence of trees, plants, even bugs; It doesn’t make the pain disappear, but it gives you a sense of timelessness and much more of an ability to stay present rather than lament the past or worry about the future. And those negativities are the last things you need right now.
Meditate
- There are some who say the answer to every problem is to meditate. “I’m struggling to have a baby.” Meditate. “I’m so mad at my sister!” Meditate. “Can you believe that guy is driving the speed limit in the fast lane?!” Meditate. I hope my husband doesn’t read this, because the next time we’re on a long drive and my bladder fills up, you know what he’ll say, right? (Note to self: Hide this article from husband). In all seriousness, though, meditation is a huge key to being calm. I know it’s not the easiest of things to incorporate into your day; after all, it’s just sitting down, right? What will I do with the fact that my fingers are at rest and not sending out some furious text or researching yet another infertility thing? Meditate.
I could go on endlessly about the ways in which you can find some peace in your life and tell your reproductive organs to start working better. There is so much at your disposal! For now, be frugal with your Google searches and just focus on the five things in this article. Your ovaries and uterus will thank you.
Dr. Maria Rothenburger
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Maria is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Fertility Coach who knows the pain of infertility and considers it one of her best growth experiences to date. She now helps others manage crazy emotions and feel like there is order to life again (even among chaos). She lives where there are plenty of good times to be had with her husband and three babies (1 human, 2 canines). https://www.linkedin.com/in/mariarothenburgerlpc
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